The Bouncy Ball

I read something in Brown Phantom’s blog. “Everyone’s self centered, it’s the radius that matters”, he says. Deep no? It got me thinking.
You see I am a problem child. I always have things falling apart all around me. I am the kind who contracts viral fever on the day before the prom night and whose dress will get burnt on the day of the party.
If I am happy about something and skip around, I will end up stubbing my toe and fracturing the same.
Don’t believe me?
See. January 2010 resulted in a very happy Choco; for reasons unknown.
Well not exactly unknown. But well. Choco was happy.
She was so happy that she wrote a post about an irksome TV program. She did not even have the slightest lingering fear, that her being so blatantly happy, might attract the leprechauns of misery her way.

And then it happened. A series of Unfortunate Incidents.

1) Choco was happy.
2) At a get together that weekend, a fellow bitch fed her a chicken pakora, insisting all the while that it was a paneer pakora.
3) When confronted later, she copied Choco’s favorite dialogue, “Oops, My Bad”,  followed by Choco’s patent shrug.
4) Later on, everyone that was anyone, came to know that the bitch’s luscious locks were in fact a fancy wig. Her real hair was a pitiable tuft of dried up grass. Not the kind that can be smoked up, mind you. But I digress.
5) The realization that she had ingested Chicken pakoras; that too fried in Mustard Oil, gave Choco the heebies and the jeebies.
6) The very next day, she was down with a bad sad case of food poisoning.
7) Among other things, she missed going to watch Avtaar on cheap tickets (with friends), an exam and a spiritual awakening seminar (don’t ask).
8) She now had killer legs though. Her legs were hurting like crazy and the pain was threatening to kill her you see. The doctor said that it was because she was mighty dehydrated.
9) Her pain and antibiotic driven mind looked at the printout and made note of the next exam paper. One every Saturday.
10) It was a good five days of cramming every night before she remembered that her last paper was on February 20th. She had given/missed 3 already. 6 papers in all. Four weeks to go. Do the math. What is wrong with this picture? The simple fact that she did not have an exam that weekend. The only free week and free weekend she would have had in weeks.
11) Not one to be phazed out that easily, Choco did a little jig, when, at the stroke of midnight, on Friday night, she realized that she had no exam on Saturday. Oh! The joy.
12) So she went online and reopened Candid Talk.
13) Choco was happy again. "Hey you guys! I blog at CT again!!" she screamed to friends and family.
14) Two days later, her laptop crashed big time, for a 2nd time. The diagnosis was bleak.
15) Very bleak.
16) Her modem followed suit and breathed its last breath. It has been 7 long years, it said. This post is being typed out courtesy a modem borrowed from the sweet broadband guy. The only knight in shining armour, Choco has seen in ages. Apart from Blondie off course. Just in case he reads this blog post!
17) "Ah! The broadband guy is so sweet. There is some goodness left on earth."-Choco's thoughts.
18) Half way through the post, her favorite mint green sweater comes back; washed, dried and with a tear in it.
19) Much to the chagrin of everyone around her, she is wearing it as she types this out. "One last time, for old times sake"- Choco's thoughts again.

So you see, Brown Phantom’s phrase holds true for Choco. Only in her case, it would read, “Everyone feels unfortunate, some time or the other; it’s the frequency that matters”.

Why the post is titled Bouncy ball you ask? My cat had one. It was his favorite toy.
It would start off high, bouncing off the floor, a series of ups and downs, getting lower and lower till it leveled off with the floor. It would then roll off under some piece of furniture. The predator chasing it would wait patiently, for it to come out on its own. The bouncy ball, off course would not budge. Until someone took pity on the predator, retrieved it and threw it again. And then the whole process would repeat. Again. And again.

Cats never fetch bouncy balls you see. They only chase!

Heads, a Dog and a Candid Talker

“Welcome to Idea Star Singer. Usha Maam Oonnnnuuuu Parayuummmm..Engeneeeeee Undayiiiiiiii…………………………”

No clue what most of that means?
Neither did I.
In fact the PDF file I was staring into, turned red before my eyes, when the above lines, spoken with a huge dollop of bad accented Malayalam, started booming throughout the house.
I ran in its direction almost tripping over.......... a dog (!!?!!) in MY room (!!?!!?!!).
It turned out, that a sweet looking middle aged couple, were sitting in the living room, merrily rolling their heads, to a youth yodeling in Malayalam on the idiot box, in ear deafening surround sound. Thankfully their backs were turned to me and they could not see me gaping and gagging for a good two minutes before I approached them and sat down next to them.

“What ya watching?” I ask softly, smiling one of my sweetest smiles at them.
“Idea star singer!!!” they cry out almost in unison. “It is so good you know. They showcase new talent. The singer judges are so helpful..yada yada yada..blah blah yada…”
I look into their eyes, with that smile still plastered on my face and nod discreetly, every now and then. I also keep saying some “Aaaa’s” and “Mmmm’s” intermittently. It is good Malayalee etiquette, I have been told. It should ideally be accompanied by the head roll, which I did not attempt, as I suck at it.

“I see” I say finally. “Maybe I should watch it with you then."
“Aaaa. You must. Here have some Caappii.”
“Thank you” I smile.

The Caapii turned out to be just that. Caappi. It was black, hot and laced with grated coconut; something that I had really neither expected nor foreseen. But two pairs of sweet eyes were sweetly gazing at me.
“Crunchy!” I smiled brightly before sipping in and munching some more of the Coffee..uhh...Caappi.

Turned out that I ended up watching “Idea star singer" for 3 days in a row that week.
Where is that chick from!?! What is with that accent!?! I won’t bother to google her as the place must be Dubai or the Middle East. But the voice, that false dripping sweetness and the accent from nowhere, all together, make me see red.

Day4
“Don’t you find her accent irritating?”
“She is UK return you know. That is why.”
 "aaAAaa” I say. “Do you watch “Raaz Pichle Janam Ka?”
“Aiyo!!! Noo Noo. What is that?” they sang in unison.
“Oh! It is very much like that Aiyappa serial that you used to watch; only a little more on the spiritual side and a little less on the devotional side. I think you will like it. I don’t remember when and where it is on though. Lets surf when the ads come on.”
The reaction was “AAaaAAaa”, accompanied by lots of head rolling. I took that as an agreement with my esteemed proposal.

So we searched for “Raaz Pichle Janam Ka” all through the ads and sometimes through the singing of the not so good singers and then also when the accent from nowhere female came on. All in all, we did a lot of fun surfing both that day and the next.
Eventually, we realized that the program came on after Idea Star Singer. But we had seen so much good stuff till then. Namely, some of the world’s worst jobs, Salman Khan grooving with Katrina watching, Roadies crying, Kathakali dancing and a lot of hot pants gyrating.
All of this was accompanied by a lot of head rolling in our living room; which I took as a good sign.
Finally, the sweet couple, settled on the Roadies rerun and Vh1, before it turned 9:30pm, which was the time for “Raaz Pichle Janam Ka” on NDTV Imagine.

Heads were rolling happily in the living room.
I was back before my no longer red PDF files with a lady crooning "Us dar ko wahi chhood dena hain...Apni chetna ko wapas is shareer mein laanaa hain..." in the background.
The dog was out of my room and back in the corridor, lying on the floor and pretending to be a mop with its floppy ears gracing the floor around it. I think she believes that she was a floor mop in a past life.


Yes. TV Viewer Whisperer aka Choco to the rescue.
Cholche kintu cholbena I say!

PS: For tips on how to deal with TV addicts, please feel free to hit the "Contact Me" button on the right sidebar. I would like to know if it still works.

PS again: I know that it has been almost 5 months since my last post. All good things should be enjoyed in small doses I say!

Image Courtesy: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/